To Admire

I have no schemas in my mind for what working a “real” job actually entails at all. My dad is an engineer for a less-than-interesting corporation, and he loathes it. I have no concept of how his work day is spent. My mother taught Greek and typing (ha!) briefly at a private high school before I was born, as well as a stint at Frito-Lay in accounting, but for most of my life, she has been a stay-at-home mom, returning to work when I was in middle school at a department store as a salesperson (while my dad was unemployed for two years.) Now, she is a cafeteria lady at a public middle school and works as a server for a catering company  from Eastern Kentucky University. My mother is 53. She has a B.S. in accounting and an M.A. in Biblical Studies (her primary focus were ancient languages—Greek the most, Hebrew, Latin.)

a. I don’t want this to happen to me. At 21, I am already strongly aware that I do not want a job that is constantly physically demanding (hello, waitressing.) I want to really make use of my degrees.

b. My mom was a hella good stay-at-home mom. And her mom didn’t work when she raised her children as well.

c. I have no mentor to help me navigate to a particular chosen career, or any examples in my immediate family of this.

d. Some days, I kind of just… want to be a housewife. It’s what I know. I am utterly clueless about what any sort of other job takes, besides taking care of a house and children and working in the food industry. The latter is certainly not where I want to be bound the rest of my life. The former is more pleasant, more secure, and gives me a jumping-off point for pursuing hobbies and volunteerism and… it’s not at all out of my comfort zone.

oof oof oof.

growing up? it’s hard to do.

i dream of having a beautiful flower garden some day, and fresh bouquets in the house

then, I recall. we’ve got flowers right here!

I took out a mixing bowl and some pruning shears, and collected the couple of roses left, lavender, mums (so many mums), marigolds, sage, lemon basil, bamboo, and various interesting greenery. I’ve made 3 bouquets so far. Resolve to be content.

(Also, I ran into a GIANT SPIDERWEB, I jumped back inside my house screaming, the very plump, large spider dangled from MY HEAD from a single strand of its web, my brother goes from laughing to wildly, desperately wielding the pruning shears VERY NEAR THE VICINITY OF MY EYEBALLS—makes me scream more—in an effort to get the spider DETACHED FROM MY PERSON. the spider lands on the couch. Robby wrangles it outside. I am finished with clipping flowers at this point, I decide.)

-renovate a house

-plant so many lovely flowers for bouquets around my house: peonies, daffodils, hydrangeas, heirloom roses, ranunculus, grape hyacinth, flowering fruit trees

-and foods: many tomato varieties, basil, lavender, chives, berries, parsley, cilantro

So, I’ve joined this site. It’s got support groups for just about everything, and it is less likely to give me shoddy internet forum terrors, if you know what I mean. And… I can set goals, measure them, and get emailed updates and such! Might help me get organized. I hope so. The tension is releasing some.

Right now, I’ve just posted on the Trich group. I joined an adult ADD group, but haven’t posted anything yet, mostly because I am going to go be that jerk who is like, “WAHHH I DON’T EVEN KNOW IF I REALLLY HAAAAVE IT? DON’T YOU KNOW HOW OVERDIAGNOSED IT IS?!” So. I am afraid. And depression forums freak me out a bit. So. Yes, we shall see. It’s a step.